This is a guest blog from a friend at Church, and the reason for sharing it is evident in the reading of it. I believe this post is a powerful challenge to those of us in the Church who are married, and the Church in general. Anyway, read on and enjoy it! I (And the author) would love to have your feedback, comments and so on.
Hello Tom’s blog followers, in a moment of madness I agreed to write my first ever blog post … so bear with me. You may be wondering why Tom in an equal moment of madness has given me free rein to take over his blog. Maybe he doesn’t know me well enough to have developed a healthy fear!
Well it all started about a week ago, I had the pleasure of being part of a huge team of people that volunteered to host over one thousand leaders from all over the UK and beyond as we gathered together to worship God, receive teaching and share in extended family life. This is the sixth annual leaders’ conference I’ve been to so for me I excitingly get to see all my friends who have scattered to the ends of the country and beyond and in doing so share in the joys and pains of the year that has passed.
I was at the last minute asked to host a Q&A session for leaders, with people who are fun and wise, and who I love following where they lead and they have undoubtedly taken our movement on an exciting journey over the years.
After welcoming over 60 people into the room I took up my usual perch on the floor (we’re very casual). There were lots of great questions coming and equally good answers and then someone asked a question and it stirred in me something I’ve been stewing over, something that irritates me to the core of my soul, and I found myself being pushed out of my comfort zone to ask “what are your plans to ensure that our movement which is a family focused church embraces and teaches those who are single to lead full on, sold out lives for Christ?", you see latest stats show that nearly 50% of our population are now single and living alone yet we like most churches focus heavily on family and children and don’t actively teach or include those who are single in everyday life.
I was sorely disappointed but alas not surprised at the answers I got, I’ve been fobbed off with them for years. They were at best glib, filled with pity, with comments such as “all single people end up married anyway” and ended with a poorly thought through and the most irritating answer of all “you should set up a singles ministry and do it really well”. They definitely failed to engage with the heart and essence of the question.
Argggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My heart breaks in a theatrical anger, frustration, person shaking, wake up church kind of way!
Ok so a caveat : When I talk about singleness . I am also not just talking about those in the 20’s and 30’s some whom want to get married some who don’t (yes of course they are included) but what about those who choose to never marry, those who want to marry and never find the one, those who have been married and are now separated or divorced in their 30’s, 40’s and beyond or those who’s partners sadly die and they end up single like my mum did at 60. (Marriage prep nor church prepares you for these). These diverse people make up nearly 50% of our population, yet we at best ignore them, pretend they don’t exist. I know people in all those camps and a singles ministry will never reach all these people groups but inclusion in every day church life, in every day teaching, in marriage courses and family courses will.
I was at another meeting only a few months ago and we were being taught over two sessions about leading for the long haul in the second talk we heard mentioned the word marriage over 57 times and only mentioned the word single or other (whatever that may be once), when I challenged it I was quickly dismissed, as me having a problem and told to go and chat to some other singles when in reality I looked around the room and saw that nearly half the leaders were failing to be effectively taught and led! It would have been so simple to include a single perspective in this teaching.
You see I’m 35 female, single, I’m naturally a pioneer and strategist, I’m the CEO of a Christian Charity and ex marketing manager. (I worked for over 10 years for some of the world’s largest super brands), I’m used to living with and interpreting contemporary and emerging cultures and creating brands to meet needs before people even realise they need them. I look at stats and see opportunities. And these stats are no different. All week those who had preached had talked about the importance of embracing and living in contemporary culture and here I was presenting them with evidence of a huge cultural shift, and yet they sat firmly in the camp that bizarrely seems to put marriage on a pedestal, as something we all should aim for, when all around us society is changing.
By focussing on marriage we are doing a few things firstly ostracising nearly 50% of our current population both inside (46% on our current church database are single) and outside the church and that breaks my heart, as we are potentially setting up a generation to fail and failing the newly found single generation.
Secondly we are joining with society and are placing marriage, unions, partnerships above instead of equally alongside singleness. And in doing so nullifying a single life sold out for God, when we could be framing it as something else we can aspire to.
Thirdly by not having any focus on single living we fail to healthily envision those whom God may be calling to be single (if permanently or for a time) to do so well, and feel affirmed and supported in their calling or current situation (when I know my most fruitful time for Christ has been when I’ve been singularly focussed on his cause).
So the response broke my heart as little bit more, as I realised how far we the church are from pioneering the way to the ideal community spoken about in Acts where all are welcomed, built up and encouraged to follow the journey that God has for them and not singled out by marital status, gender, age etc.
Big stuff. I hope you enjoyed this guest post - you may also like a sort of similar one, "Guest Post: Laura's Story", about one woman's exploration of ministry and leadership. If you've liked this post then do 'like' it, share it, and so on. The author and I would really value
Well it all started about a week ago, I had the pleasure of being part of a huge team of people that volunteered to host over one thousand leaders from all over the UK and beyond as we gathered together to worship God, receive teaching and share in extended family life. This is the sixth annual leaders’ conference I’ve been to so for me I excitingly get to see all my friends who have scattered to the ends of the country and beyond and in doing so share in the joys and pains of the year that has passed.
I was at the last minute asked to host a Q&A session for leaders, with people who are fun and wise, and who I love following where they lead and they have undoubtedly taken our movement on an exciting journey over the years.
After welcoming over 60 people into the room I took up my usual perch on the floor (we’re very casual). There were lots of great questions coming and equally good answers and then someone asked a question and it stirred in me something I’ve been stewing over, something that irritates me to the core of my soul, and I found myself being pushed out of my comfort zone to ask “what are your plans to ensure that our movement which is a family focused church embraces and teaches those who are single to lead full on, sold out lives for Christ?", you see latest stats show that nearly 50% of our population are now single and living alone yet we like most churches focus heavily on family and children and don’t actively teach or include those who are single in everyday life.
I was sorely disappointed but alas not surprised at the answers I got, I’ve been fobbed off with them for years. They were at best glib, filled with pity, with comments such as “all single people end up married anyway” and ended with a poorly thought through and the most irritating answer of all “you should set up a singles ministry and do it really well”. They definitely failed to engage with the heart and essence of the question.
Argggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My heart breaks in a theatrical anger, frustration, person shaking, wake up church kind of way!
Ok so a caveat : When I talk about singleness . I am also not just talking about those in the 20’s and 30’s some whom want to get married some who don’t (yes of course they are included) but what about those who choose to never marry, those who want to marry and never find the one, those who have been married and are now separated or divorced in their 30’s, 40’s and beyond or those who’s partners sadly die and they end up single like my mum did at 60. (Marriage prep nor church prepares you for these). These diverse people make up nearly 50% of our population, yet we at best ignore them, pretend they don’t exist. I know people in all those camps and a singles ministry will never reach all these people groups but inclusion in every day church life, in every day teaching, in marriage courses and family courses will.
I was at another meeting only a few months ago and we were being taught over two sessions about leading for the long haul in the second talk we heard mentioned the word marriage over 57 times and only mentioned the word single or other (whatever that may be once), when I challenged it I was quickly dismissed, as me having a problem and told to go and chat to some other singles when in reality I looked around the room and saw that nearly half the leaders were failing to be effectively taught and led! It would have been so simple to include a single perspective in this teaching.
You see I’m 35 female, single, I’m naturally a pioneer and strategist, I’m the CEO of a Christian Charity and ex marketing manager. (I worked for over 10 years for some of the world’s largest super brands), I’m used to living with and interpreting contemporary and emerging cultures and creating brands to meet needs before people even realise they need them. I look at stats and see opportunities. And these stats are no different. All week those who had preached had talked about the importance of embracing and living in contemporary culture and here I was presenting them with evidence of a huge cultural shift, and yet they sat firmly in the camp that bizarrely seems to put marriage on a pedestal, as something we all should aim for, when all around us society is changing.
By focussing on marriage we are doing a few things firstly ostracising nearly 50% of our current population both inside (46% on our current church database are single) and outside the church and that breaks my heart, as we are potentially setting up a generation to fail and failing the newly found single generation.
Secondly we are joining with society and are placing marriage, unions, partnerships above instead of equally alongside singleness. And in doing so nullifying a single life sold out for God, when we could be framing it as something else we can aspire to.
Thirdly by not having any focus on single living we fail to healthily envision those whom God may be calling to be single (if permanently or for a time) to do so well, and feel affirmed and supported in their calling or current situation (when I know my most fruitful time for Christ has been when I’ve been singularly focussed on his cause).
So the response broke my heart as little bit more, as I realised how far we the church are from pioneering the way to the ideal community spoken about in Acts where all are welcomed, built up and encouraged to follow the journey that God has for them and not singled out by marital status, gender, age etc.
______________________________
Big stuff. I hope you enjoyed this guest post - you may also like a sort of similar one, "Guest Post: Laura's Story", about one woman's exploration of ministry and leadership. If you've liked this post then do 'like' it, share it, and so on. The author and I would really value
Great post! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteWhat would you say are the big issues that singles (Christian and not) face which Christians generally (and non-Cs) don't?
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteEllo. Yeah - I dunno really. I think I'd need to be a single adult for a few years (rather than a single teen/student) to know.
DeleteSorry, deleted my interim comment...
DeleteFair point!
Thanks Jo.. This was so encouraging to read! Thank-you so much for sharing your thoughts! Please keep blogging!! Lauren x
ReplyDeleteHi Lauren, thanks for the comment - I hope Jo will blog again soon!
DeleteI so agree with this post that I hardly know where to begin! I'm actually not single but married without kids. We are in our early 40's and married over 20 yrs now. The problems and frustrations you share in this post, we can relate to as married without kids! So many churches focus on the traditional family, which means married with kids. I agree that the church has ignored a huge cultural shift, and their focus is alienating so many people.
ReplyDeleteI think part of the answer is that churches need to encourage people to focus on their identity in Christ. We are all whole and complete people in Christ, whether we are single, married, have kids, no kids, etc. It seems the church, with its obsession with marriage and children, encourages people to have their identity in their spouse or children! This is wrong. While marriage and children are certainly good things, they have become an idol! With an "in Christ" focus all things should fall into place. People resting in their identity in Christ will become who God wants them to be: whether as single, married, kids or no kids, etc.
Thanks for sharing your heart in this post! It's message needs to be heard by more people.
AnonymousL
Laura, thanks for the comment. I think your point on identity is CRUCIAL. Literally. I agree with you, and hope that lots of people will read this post.
DeleteGreat post. I thought the last paragraph was spot on. I'd also be really interested in reading some thoughts on how the local church could best move towards those radical communities seen in Acts, especially with regards to singleness.
ReplyDeleteAs a slight side note, i dislike the Christian dating culture which places such pressure and expectation on even the early stages of a relationship. And the implicit (and often explicit) pressure to be pursuing marriage rather than an emphasis on pursuing holiness and wholeness in every stage of life.
Marriage is great (it's God's creation). Singleness is also great (Jesus and Paul seemed to live fulfilled lives somehow!).
Hey Roger, thanks for the comment.
DeleteThis post crystalised externally some thoughts I've been having - particularly as a newly married couple who have lots of wonderful single friends. My mentor is an older single guy, and I've always been influenced by godly older single people. Its a topic I'm passionate about - though I flounder slightly as I'm not single.
I think you make a good point - and whilst I don't want to lose the seriousness, I think it would be good for us to reclaim the 'a successful relationship ends in one of two ways, marriage or working out they aren't the one to marry'. I think thats a helpful attitude often lost in fear or pressure.
Otherwise, Amen.
As someone who's made a positive decision, following the example of St Paul, to give my life wholly for God to build up the faithful and share the Gospel this blog post is a breath of fresh air. Being in the Catholic tradition a life of singleness, or celibacy as we would say, is something thats recognised more I think but certainly not understood by most.
ReplyDeleteI think that the western churches, all of us, need to engage much more with the idea of singleness both as a positive choice, a natural circumstance and sometimes resultant from a wounded past through divorce or death. Great to see this conversation happening across traditions. I think, and hope, that there's a movement of the Spirit in the general direction of a more holistic view of the human life lived out as a single person in deep contemplation of the divine and for the sake of the Gospel.
Hi Jonathan, thanks for the comment.
DeleteI'm glad to encourage you with Jo's post in your calling.
Agree UTTERLY with your assesment of re-engaging with singlness POSITIVELY.
Thanks for a really well argued contribution to the whole area of relationships of every sort within and beyond the church. The other "group" I would add is the "single" person who is married or with someone who doesn't share their faith and wants nothing to do with the faith or church that are so important to their other half. This often limits a person'a ability and availability to live the sold-out lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteAs a church leader I am very chastened and want to say how sorry I am for the times I have thoughtlessly hurt those around me and those in my church by things I have said and done or left unsaid and undone. I want to learn to do it better so please keep speaking out...
Hi Fi, thanks for the comment.
DeleteInteresting descriptor of 'the other group' - I think that is a very pertinent and often under-thought-through people group. Certainly I know many people like that who struggle to grow/advance.
Thanks for your 'church leader' comment!
As a member of the same church reading this post has saddened me. I’ve been involved in church life for many years as a member and as a leader and it doesn’t reflect my experience of church where I am currently a single person. Like many others, I have been fully embraced, loved, challenged and encouraged by the leadership and the church community to pursue Jesus and all that He’s called me to regardless of my gender or marital status.
ReplyDeleteSusie Aldridge
Hi Susie, thanks for the comment.
DeleteIts great to hear other stories, so thank you so much for writing. Love what you have to say, and thanks again for sharing it.
Tom
The thing I struggle about the most is how invisible I can be. For example every month a group of my friends get together for a lovely meal but I'm not invited. Why? Because I'm on my own (single) and wouldn't have anyone to be with. I'll be honest. The first couple of times I found out about it I was broken. I cried. I have 1 couple who are very good friends and I've had tea (evening meal) with them as a couple twice in the last year.
ReplyDeleteDeborah
Hi Deborah/Anonymous, thanks for commenting!
DeleteThat is a really helpful observation, and an important one, I think. Being exclude for any reason is hard and usually wrong, but for this reason is, I think, dangerously wrong. So thankyou for sharing, as a married, its really helpful to hear other stories.
thanks again.